On this week’s episode of Code Switch, we spoke to a younger girl who had this to say on Election Day: “I am disgusted by the blood I carry in my veins as a result of I am associated to those individuals.” By “these individuals,” she was referring to her family members who had supported a presidential candidate that she discovered abhorrent. She went on to say that with a purpose to assist stated candidate, “it’s important to be next-level dumb or next-level evil.”
And look – homegirl was clearly not mincing her phrases. However to be trustworthy, they did not shock me. As a result of these phrases mirror a sentiment I’ve heard repeated for years now, about the pain and immense frustration at seeing the individuals you’re keen on make selections that you just hate.
So what do you do about that? It is a query that many individuals are grappling with, particularly as the vacations draw close to. How ought to we strategy the prospect of breaking bread – or not – with individuals whose beliefs or actions generally appear to grate on the very core of what we imagine to be proper and good?
[Editor’s note: This is an excerpt of Code Switch’s Up All Night newsletter. You can sign up here.]
There are a lot of approaches, some of which we’ve talked about before. And I feel it ought to go with out saying that it’s OK to opt out of spaces that make you feel unsafe or uncomfortable. (Thanksgiving continues to be two weeks away – that is loads of time to uninvite your self from Cousin Jan’s potluck.)
However when you do determine to take part in an occasion the place you may be in shut quarters with somebody you deeply disagree with, it is value remembering a number of issues:
1. You need not label anybody as finally good or dangerous. In her new e-book, Do You Nonetheless Speak to Grandma?, creator Britt Barron writes, “We’re at all times attempting to make a world the place there are heroes and villains, good and evil, proper and unsuitable, and the place we will be the heroes, the place we will be good and proper. Individuals love classes and packing containers and clear strains.” However people are complicated, and it is necessary to acknowledge that. Particularly when you’ve got any hope of ever convincing someone to change their beliefs (or of being satisfied to alter your individual.)
2. You neither must ignore actuality – or forgive it. In a dialog on the pod a number of years in the past, creator Ashley C. Ford rejected that false binary. She stated, “I can determine how I wish to transfer by means of actuality. I can determine how I wish to react to actuality. However I feel what’s most necessary is that I simply settle for actuality.” And he or she posed this set of questions: “What are you going to do on a day-to-day foundation when you’re residing your life? Are you going to reside in a spot the place you deny actuality and also you assume to your self, I really like this individual, however solely as a result of I select to overlook that they’ve achieved horrible issues, heinous issues? Or do I say that is actuality? That is what it’s, and I really like you. And this factor that you have achieved…I am unable to forgive you for, and I will by no means strive.”
3. You need not deny your humanity. In occasions of deep political division, there’s typically the strain for individuals – particularly marginalized individuals – to set aside their differences for the sake of some supposedly higher ideal, like “unity” or “civility.” At these moments, it is value remembering the eternal words of James Baldwin: “We will disagree and nonetheless love one another except your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and proper to exist.” And as soon as once more — if that is the dynamic, be happy to cancel these dinner plans and as an alternative, spend your one valuable life with people who believe that your life is precious.
This story was written by Leah Donnella and edited by Courtney Stein.
